My Dog Died and came back to me in a dream, after dying in another one.

My Dog Died and came back to me in a dream, after dying in another one.

                                                      

Life is so funny. And strange. And complicated.   And sinister.

 

My little Peek-a-Poo died in my arms in 2011. I thought my world was coming to an end.  Just the feeling of the partner I had had for 14 years, the longest of any relationship of mine, had to permanently rest in my savior’s arms.  When I uttered the words, “I Love You, Cassi,” she opened her eyes for the first time after being carried in to the room I was waiting for her in.  Her fur was still as gorgeous as it was when I selected her from the now-weaned pack.  I never cried so much and for so long.

 

I can’t begin to tell of the most horrible thing I heard when I called home to advise them of what happened. Only a person who didn’t know anything about compassion would carelessly deliver their condolences in a way that even God would shutter.  Believe it or not, this person really believed in their message.  A message to crush me.

 

The house I moved into, after relocating there from Georgia, definitely had a spirit that wasn’t very welcoming. One mouse made itself visible.  At least one or two others let their presence be known.  The water wouldn’t drain in the bathtub upstairs.  The power would go out when the power downstairs wouldn’t.  I always felt watched.  I even felt someone or some thing try and force me to turn over in bed.  Had I done this, I truly think I would have to find a new word for terrified.  It was even colder in the back part of the house I occupied.  That part was the bathroom and closet area.  I even noticed that I could neither bring in money or save money.  Sounds silly, doesn’t it?  No matter what I did, nothing seems to hold any permanence.  One summer evening, while Cassi was staying at a friend’s, a young child entered my upstairs abode and lifted my wallet, while I was sleeping in the room right off from the stairs.  According to the police officers who alerted me from the other side of the cut-screened door, it was a suspicious 15 year old boy they found down the hill.  He was stopped and frisked after fleeing the site of the police officers.  Because my address was correct on my driver’s license, it was able to find me.  Had that young person had an aggressive and explosive mind, would I still be here?

 

After that account, there was no need to testify. The kid was sent to a juvenile center.  I was sent into delirium.  Was there a greater force with me than the one I actually felt in that upstairs apartment? The compassion ran rampant. 

 

I often had dreams of Cassi sleeping next to me after her departure. My feet nudged her and I awakened.  She had not yet “crossed-over,” I guess.  Her energy was still there.

 

Nursing Class had been cancelled the day Cassi died.

I went back home and tried to rest after reviewing notes. Cassi looked ill when I picked her up my friend’s place.  He had another dog that Cassi got along with quite well.  However, she looked so frail after that short stay.  At home, she ate what she could.  She drank what she could.  That day, still haunts me.  My baby couldn’t even go to the bathroom properly.  I lay down after I made sure Cassi was secure.  I thought it would be for a short period of time.  There was no tossing and turning.  The next thing I knew, the alarm was going off and I kept trying to rise after turning it off.  But, something wouldn’t let me get up.  My body felt weighed down to the point of being held down through hypnosis.  Then, I broke free.  I called out to Cassi before I hit the door casing.  Horror hit me when I looked to the left to see Cassi panting in her floor-bed and her tongue hanging out of her mouth.  I never knew I could descend stairs without touching them.  She was in my arms when my family member opened the door to ask me what was wrong.  With tears in my eyes, it was suggested that I call 911.  Time was of the essence.  911 would take too long.  Besides, the animal hospital was very close by. 

 

That was the last time I saw my baby alive.

Call 911 followed by the most callous statement ever…by a family member.

 

I moved from that house in the summer of 2012. My health was deteriorating, but I was enthusiastic about my new move right across the street.  Cassi loved to lick my toes.  It’s just something she did when she saw my bare feet.  Why wouldn’t I feel her lick my toes, now, in this new place?  Yet, there was no feeling of her presence or no dreams to remind me of her.  The dreams didn’t start until I began staying over at a friend’s place.  First, Cassi appeared in the road out of nowhere.  I looked away, looked back, and she was gone.  The next dream found me following my beautiful, healthy Cassi up a flight of stairs.  She, of course, made it to the top sooner than I did.  What was strange about that dream was, when Cassi reached the top, she looked back at me, with her tongue out, smiling, as if to be sure I was following her.  As I continued ascending, I noticed a colorful light ahead.  Cassi disappeared.  I never reached the top of the stairs.  

 

In the latest dream, I opened a closed door to find Cassi lying in her bed, panting with swollen eyes, but in the same state I witnessed her in before her real death: 12/15/11.  This time, I closed the door to her room and let my guests know that she was dying.  Why did I do that?  What was the message she was sending me?  What was the lesson that I had to learn?  Who or what was sending me this message?  If I am to think that she was “crossing-over,” I would have to ask if people (she was my child) could keep returning after crossing-over the first time.  Cassi and I were always together.  Now, I am alone and no longer in communication with the first person I met after her leaving.  When I was in a relationship, Cassi was happy and healthy.  What is it that I’m supposed to know?

Through the eyes of a child


Here I Am
Looking and noticing
All that is in my path
What does time change?
Even with repair
Things do wither
Yet, they still change
My younger self
Wishes to grow
While wishing to know
That I will see
The happiness and love
That made me laugh
And glow
And may what or who looks
Out at me, someday 
Pick me up like I cried in hunger
Or writhed in my drench
Shelter me with just a smile 
A while 
To remind me

The Man who Grins


Pitted against each other

Sister and a Brother

By a man you took in

Who only sat back and grinned

 

Said you didn’t know

How my mind it would go

In and out of love

Still, looking up above

 

Things looked pretty and nice

Though, they came with a price

What made him so mad

When we all should have been glad

 

Time hasn’t changed a thing

With that voice, you could sing

It hurt me that you kept it in

Because of a man who sat back and grinned

 

We were supposed to be close

Who took the overdose?

No one did care

Just headed on to the State Fair

 

Remembering the beatings

You were absent for the greetings

Could a child fight the sins

From your man who sits back and grins?

 

 

I am my Mother’s Keeper


I am my mother’s first

Crazy as it may sound

I am her soul image

Despite who helped

she released me

into the world

to walk and talk

and carry on

 

Because

 

I represent

everything that she is

What she is not

depends on her

But I

am my mother’s keeper

What I don’t know

is of no need

The past is past

I am the end

the beginning

and the middle

I am written and sealed

and my fate lies

upon her lies

her truths

The few who know

look upon me

as forgotten

when my goodness then shines

She made a path for me

to escape the warm and cold world

And though I may not always be

she does hold me

reminding me

of everything

 

Because

I have been kept

and keep going

onward

Because

I really was her first

 

Freedom of expression


A child wants to do

what he sees others do

The joy rides have more meaning

than the father knows

Mommy goes to work

He has been schooled on that

Father sits and moves seldom

Each has a different view on

parenthood

Upon arrival the car is loaded

for another impression of life

 

He wants to do what others do

 

Sunrise to another same day

She needs to leave now

Before he can change positions

He is ready to break the circle

to be with him

for a long time to come

It’s not just memories at such a

young age

He just knows that the walking joy-riders

seemed to have more fun

Feel Me Like 16


I’ll always be a child at heart

You could have guessed that from the start

So curious about life and such

Hold me down that’s way too much

 

You even thought I was a smoker

Talked back to you like a choker

Left my room before the middle of the night

Lost track of time and gave you quite a fright

 

I should expect you to be mean

Even in public asking you for green

Please keep your emotions lean

But remember to feel me like 16

 

I know you want me to grow up

Save myself from an empty cup

But I know about my great role models

Who didn’t find love in tall glass bottles

 

Dreams of my wedding day and diamond rings

Those just weren’t my things

I just want to love and have fun

Not looking back and on the run

 

Baby dolls and cute ponytails

Playing make believe had you on the rails

My conversations on the telephone

Made you wonder if I was all alone

 

I expect you to look after me

Even after I’m not a teen

Try and see my reality

And feel me like I’m still 16

 

This Mother’s Child


Lord, this mother’s child has run wild

In and out of this job

Turning a different way that knob

Still, I am a mother’s child

 

I can go home, if I want to

In God’s time, I will

Just knowing she’s there and true

An aching heart she would always fill

 

Like a vagabond were my shoes

My back so bad, I couldn’t bend

Shuffling along, picking up more blues

Trying to get along so I don’t offend

 

Days like this

What mother could have a child

Who misses her sweet kiss

However so gently and or mild

 

Maybe I missed her birthday

Always saying I’m on my way

Maybe showing up three days late

Always a place to sit and a really big plate

 

She would keep a place for me

Even to just to lay my head

So tired near blind I could barely see

In her eyes I never saw red

 

Yes, I’ve said it time and time before

Lord, I know I’m my mother’s child

The seed am I she bore

The wild child who wants to be mild

 

Days like this

What mother could have a child

Who misses her sweet kiss

However so gently and or mild

To Emulate Her Mother


 

What womanly sister chooses

to live her life in the shadow of one

 woman who loathes herself

Knowing full well that woman’s first

 suffered a lie

only death could bow to

What fool is she

 who believes life

  will treat her differently

May pity come upon her soul

 and cover her offspring

Let the shadows play fair

as they stay in the air

Hope should despair

but beware those who occupy her lair

Who is the greater fool?

What force takes her to school?

Of Life and Living



What Man

looks at a child

for the measure of his life


The backseat driver

caught looking right

appears to question the future

whereas a long glare left

spells déjà vu

The Man in the Rearview Mirror

chooses to look back

while the back sees only

his back

and the occasional Zorro-esqueness

Does the backseat smile

or does it stream tears and wails

heading down the highway

with life

driven by stability or insecurity

What Man

allows a backseat driver ride

without protection

Yet dictating his destination

Halting or enhancing

 the end result