Life is so funny. And strange. And complicated. And sinister.
My little Peek-a-Poo died in my arms in 2011. I thought my world was coming to an end. Just the feeling of the partner I had had for 14 years, the longest of any relationship of mine, had to permanently rest in my savior’s arms. When I uttered the words, “I Love You, Cassi,” she opened her eyes for the first time after being carried in to the room I was waiting for her in. Her fur was still as gorgeous as it was when I selected her from the now-weaned pack. I never cried so much and for so long.
I can’t begin to tell of the most horrible thing I heard when I called home to advise them of what happened. Only a person who didn’t know anything about compassion would carelessly deliver their condolences in a way that even God would shutter. Believe it or not, this person really believed in their message. A message to crush me.
The house I moved into, after relocating there from Georgia, definitely had a spirit that wasn’t very welcoming. One mouse made itself visible. At least one or two others let their presence be known. The water wouldn’t drain in the bathtub upstairs. The power would go out when the power downstairs wouldn’t. I always felt watched. I even felt someone or some thing try and force me to turn over in bed. Had I done this, I truly think I would have to find a new word for terrified. It was even colder in the back part of the house I occupied. That part was the bathroom and closet area. I even noticed that I could neither bring in money or save money. Sounds silly, doesn’t it? No matter what I did, nothing seems to hold any permanence. One summer evening, while Cassi was staying at a friend’s, a young child entered my upstairs abode and lifted my wallet, while I was sleeping in the room right off from the stairs. According to the police officers who alerted me from the other side of the cut-screened door, it was a suspicious 15 year old boy they found down the hill. He was stopped and frisked after fleeing the site of the police officers. Because my address was correct on my driver’s license, it was able to find me. Had that young person had an aggressive and explosive mind, would I still be here?
After that account, there was no need to testify. The kid was sent to a juvenile center. I was sent into delirium. Was there a greater force with me than the one I actually felt in that upstairs apartment? The compassion ran rampant.
I often had dreams of Cassi sleeping next to me after her departure. My feet nudged her and I awakened. She had not yet “crossed-over,” I guess. Her energy was still there.
Nursing Class had been cancelled the day Cassi died.
I went back home and tried to rest after reviewing notes. Cassi looked ill when I picked her up my friend’s place. He had another dog that Cassi got along with quite well. However, she looked so frail after that short stay. At home, she ate what she could. She drank what she could. That day, still haunts me. My baby couldn’t even go to the bathroom properly. I lay down after I made sure Cassi was secure. I thought it would be for a short period of time. There was no tossing and turning. The next thing I knew, the alarm was going off and I kept trying to rise after turning it off. But, something wouldn’t let me get up. My body felt weighed down to the point of being held down through hypnosis. Then, I broke free. I called out to Cassi before I hit the door casing. Horror hit me when I looked to the left to see Cassi panting in her floor-bed and her tongue hanging out of her mouth. I never knew I could descend stairs without touching them. She was in my arms when my family member opened the door to ask me what was wrong. With tears in my eyes, it was suggested that I call 911. Time was of the essence. 911 would take too long. Besides, the animal hospital was very close by.
That was the last time I saw my baby alive.
Call 911 followed by the most callous statement ever…by a family member.
I moved from that house in the summer of 2012. My health was deteriorating, but I was enthusiastic about my new move right across the street. Cassi loved to lick my toes. It’s just something she did when she saw my bare feet. Why wouldn’t I feel her lick my toes, now, in this new place? Yet, there was no feeling of her presence or no dreams to remind me of her. The dreams didn’t start until I began staying over at a friend’s place. First, Cassi appeared in the road out of nowhere. I looked away, looked back, and she was gone. The next dream found me following my beautiful, healthy Cassi up a flight of stairs. She, of course, made it to the top sooner than I did. What was strange about that dream was, when Cassi reached the top, she looked back at me, with her tongue out, smiling, as if to be sure I was following her. As I continued ascending, I noticed a colorful light ahead. Cassi disappeared. I never reached the top of the stairs.
In the latest dream, I opened a closed door to find Cassi lying in her bed, panting with swollen eyes, but in the same state I witnessed her in before her real death: 12/15/11. This time, I closed the door to her room and let my guests know that she was dying. Why did I do that? What was the message she was sending me? What was the lesson that I had to learn? Who or what was sending me this message? If I am to think that she was “crossing-over,” I would have to ask if people (she was my child) could keep returning after crossing-over the first time. Cassi and I were always together. Now, I am alone and no longer in communication with the first person I met after her leaving. When I was in a relationship, Cassi was happy and healthy. What is it that I’m supposed to know?
I died again
And then, Again
Every time I close my eyes
I can’t see
until I open them
I don’t want to
I don’t want to have to
imagine what life would be
without the use of my hands,
Legs, feet, tongue, ears
minus the butterflies inside my head
Minus what they call a brain
I don’t want to be insane
But, I can’t keep my eyes
Just imagine logging into Facebook only to find a perfectly positioned photo of your pet, an apricot and white Peek-A-Poo, that died in the latter part of 2011 nestled underneath someone else’s pet, a very well-groomed Golden Retriever…in a photo that you had entirely no idea how or who took the photo. Why post it today? What is going on in the universe that would possess someone to post this photo on or near the anniversary date of her death?
All I asked, if you couldn’t take the photo down (mainly because the other pet in the photo belongs to someone else), is that you would connect me somehow to the owner of the photo. This was and will continue to be quite agonizing to know that whoever took the photo violated me. Had I been told by whoever took the photo that my little girl’s photo may be posted online, somewhere, somehow…I probably would have given my approval. Probably. The photo appears to be taken in a very cold environment that may well house many pets at one time. I cannot prove this, but I have never subjected my little girl to such an ordeal.
I received a Twitter response from Petcentric by Purina to call them at an 800 number to discuss my issue. The young representative named Courtney told me that she would pass on my situation to the necessary department and the usual response would be in about “10 to 14 business days.” Seriously? It was probably an automated electronic reply provided to Twitter from Purina. I even attached a picture of my little girl along with the email I sent to them. I guess there is no live human being with compassion that operates their “copyright and infringement department.”
Maybe Purina will effectively handle this situation better in the future. Even when I advised representative Courtney that I did expect a call from Purina in a more timely manner, I could swear I heard her scoff at me. How sad it must be to be an employee of Purina.