Lately, I Care


Lately, I care
You only frequent a place
When only a certain 
Someone is there
Lately, I care
That that blessed friend
Doesn’t make an appearance
Like he used to
Lately, I care
That your lingerie arouses you
As much as it does me
Lately, I care
That you can make your hands
And lips
Feel the way mine does to you
Lately, I care
That I cared to notice
That I have been living all along
Lately, I care
That I wasn’t the one 
To teach you how to love me
Lately, I care
That it took an outlet
For me 
Lately, I care
About our adventures
Lately, I care
About when it’ll all end

My Dog Died and came back to me in a dream, after dying in another one.

My Dog Died and came back to me in a dream, after dying in another one.

                                                      

Life is so funny. And strange. And complicated.   And sinister.

 

My little Peek-a-Poo died in my arms in 2011. I thought my world was coming to an end.  Just the feeling of the partner I had had for 14 years, the longest of any relationship of mine, had to permanently rest in my savior’s arms.  When I uttered the words, “I Love You, Cassi,” she opened her eyes for the first time after being carried in to the room I was waiting for her in.  Her fur was still as gorgeous as it was when I selected her from the now-weaned pack.  I never cried so much and for so long.

 

I can’t begin to tell of the most horrible thing I heard when I called home to advise them of what happened. Only a person who didn’t know anything about compassion would carelessly deliver their condolences in a way that even God would shutter.  Believe it or not, this person really believed in their message.  A message to crush me.

 

The house I moved into, after relocating there from Georgia, definitely had a spirit that wasn’t very welcoming. One mouse made itself visible.  At least one or two others let their presence be known.  The water wouldn’t drain in the bathtub upstairs.  The power would go out when the power downstairs wouldn’t.  I always felt watched.  I even felt someone or some thing try and force me to turn over in bed.  Had I done this, I truly think I would have to find a new word for terrified.  It was even colder in the back part of the house I occupied.  That part was the bathroom and closet area.  I even noticed that I could neither bring in money or save money.  Sounds silly, doesn’t it?  No matter what I did, nothing seems to hold any permanence.  One summer evening, while Cassi was staying at a friend’s, a young child entered my upstairs abode and lifted my wallet, while I was sleeping in the room right off from the stairs.  According to the police officers who alerted me from the other side of the cut-screened door, it was a suspicious 15 year old boy they found down the hill.  He was stopped and frisked after fleeing the site of the police officers.  Because my address was correct on my driver’s license, it was able to find me.  Had that young person had an aggressive and explosive mind, would I still be here?

 

After that account, there was no need to testify. The kid was sent to a juvenile center.  I was sent into delirium.  Was there a greater force with me than the one I actually felt in that upstairs apartment? The compassion ran rampant. 

 

I often had dreams of Cassi sleeping next to me after her departure. My feet nudged her and I awakened.  She had not yet “crossed-over,” I guess.  Her energy was still there.

 

Nursing Class had been cancelled the day Cassi died.

I went back home and tried to rest after reviewing notes. Cassi looked ill when I picked her up my friend’s place.  He had another dog that Cassi got along with quite well.  However, she looked so frail after that short stay.  At home, she ate what she could.  She drank what she could.  That day, still haunts me.  My baby couldn’t even go to the bathroom properly.  I lay down after I made sure Cassi was secure.  I thought it would be for a short period of time.  There was no tossing and turning.  The next thing I knew, the alarm was going off and I kept trying to rise after turning it off.  But, something wouldn’t let me get up.  My body felt weighed down to the point of being held down through hypnosis.  Then, I broke free.  I called out to Cassi before I hit the door casing.  Horror hit me when I looked to the left to see Cassi panting in her floor-bed and her tongue hanging out of her mouth.  I never knew I could descend stairs without touching them.  She was in my arms when my family member opened the door to ask me what was wrong.  With tears in my eyes, it was suggested that I call 911.  Time was of the essence.  911 would take too long.  Besides, the animal hospital was very close by. 

 

That was the last time I saw my baby alive.

Call 911 followed by the most callous statement ever…by a family member.

 

I moved from that house in the summer of 2012. My health was deteriorating, but I was enthusiastic about my new move right across the street.  Cassi loved to lick my toes.  It’s just something she did when she saw my bare feet.  Why wouldn’t I feel her lick my toes, now, in this new place?  Yet, there was no feeling of her presence or no dreams to remind me of her.  The dreams didn’t start until I began staying over at a friend’s place.  First, Cassi appeared in the road out of nowhere.  I looked away, looked back, and she was gone.  The next dream found me following my beautiful, healthy Cassi up a flight of stairs.  She, of course, made it to the top sooner than I did.  What was strange about that dream was, when Cassi reached the top, she looked back at me, with her tongue out, smiling, as if to be sure I was following her.  As I continued ascending, I noticed a colorful light ahead.  Cassi disappeared.  I never reached the top of the stairs.  

 

In the latest dream, I opened a closed door to find Cassi lying in her bed, panting with swollen eyes, but in the same state I witnessed her in before her real death: 12/15/11.  This time, I closed the door to her room and let my guests know that she was dying.  Why did I do that?  What was the message she was sending me?  What was the lesson that I had to learn?  Who or what was sending me this message?  If I am to think that she was “crossing-over,” I would have to ask if people (she was my child) could keep returning after crossing-over the first time.  Cassi and I were always together.  Now, I am alone and no longer in communication with the first person I met after her leaving.  When I was in a relationship, Cassi was happy and healthy.  What is it that I’m supposed to know?

Always in the dark


Try to ask where you’re going

Sometimes

I guess it’s

not worth knowing

 

You play so coy

As if I’m your kept toy

Loving you isn’t always a walk in the park

That’s why I feel I’m always in the dark

 

Thought I caught

a fallen star

But reaching out for you

is stretching way too far

 

The wish I made

Really let you leave your mark

The way you keep throwing me shade

Ain’t no wonder I’m always in the dark

 

You’re still a pot of gold

It’s just that you’re too hot to hold

I think this is getting old

Somebody out there will break the mold

 

I’ll always feel the spark

When I can get you alone, one-on-one

Until then, I’ll always be in the dark

playing solitaire while you’re on the run

Where I Must Go


Wake up in the morning

I love to kiss your forehead

Today, tells a new story

It’s good you’re still in bed

 

Make the coffee

Before I butter some toast

Shouldn’t be so strange for me

When I know you do it most

 

I made a vow

Because I love you so

To keep you safe and happy somehow

So only you know where I must go

 

Working a simple nine to five

Is the least I can do

To keep this love alive

You loving me and me loving you

 

When the work is done

After the calls and deals are made

It’s back home to where I am someone

Making sure my debt is paid

 

You’ve been right by my side

Having my back in every way

You’ll never know the heavy ride

I must take every day

 

But that’s the least I can do

To show you I love you so

Someone’s blessed me with you

That’s why there’s somewhere I must go

 

 

The Night Before


I just had to pull your hair

While you were sitting there in that chair

Such a vision to me

You make my destiny

 

Even now, the way you smell

Knocks me down and rings my bell

Oh, you’re good enough to eat

Like an ice cream sandwich and cookie treat

 

I can still see the way you moved

You smiled that smile the way you grooved

I’ll never forget being on the dance floor

And the love we made the night before

 

As a matter of speaking

Lord knows if I’m not tweaking

You really had them going

Even made me worth knowing

 

It didn’t matter what you wore

You rocked that line and settled the score

But in case they want a little more

Let’s do it again like the night before

 

You made me snap my fingers

Loud enough to drown back-up singers

Believe I even touched the floor

I didn’t do that the night before

 

Felt I had to give a little something

Couldn’t just stare at you and do nothing

You took my hand and you gave a whole lot more

Can you do it again like the night before?

 

I even let off a hand clap

The crowd went wild when you fell on my lap

You took me all over the world

When you showed the crowd you were my girl

Take Me Back


When your world

Has since grown colder

As if you’d never know

And when your grip

Grows bolder

Won’t you try and let it show

 

Take Me Back

 

For all the times

We were together

I remember them very well

For all the times

Never said Never

We would live to tell the tale

 

And if you don’t like

Those late night phone calls

Take Me Back

 

Take Me Back

 

Do you still bat your eyes

Just to try to get attention

Are you sitting next to

Across from someone else

 and sorting through their lies

Held hostage in detention

 

Take Me Back

Take Me Back

 

Before you begin to feel the breeze

From the leaves that fell from the trees

To the ground

Take Me Back

Take Me Back

 

Was it I who made the mistake

Of letting my heart break

Or was it you who got a clue

From the ones you said who loved you

 

Anyway,

Take Me Back

Take Me Back

Take Me Back

 

Even a man can get classified

Into someone he wished had died

But a woman can be scorned

Into back to being born and mourned

 

But I know you, so

Take Me Back

Take Me Back

Take Me Back

 

I was there before

And I can stay again

Not we’re settling a score

With a mean and jealous friend

 

Take Me Back

This Mother’s Child


Lord, this mother’s child has run wild

In and out of this job

Turning a different way that knob

Still, I am a mother’s child

 

I can go home, if I want to

In God’s time, I will

Just knowing she’s there and true

An aching heart she would always fill

 

Like a vagabond were my shoes

My back so bad, I couldn’t bend

Shuffling along, picking up more blues

Trying to get along so I don’t offend

 

Days like this

What mother could have a child

Who misses her sweet kiss

However so gently and or mild

 

Maybe I missed her birthday

Always saying I’m on my way

Maybe showing up three days late

Always a place to sit and a really big plate

 

She would keep a place for me

Even to just to lay my head

So tired near blind I could barely see

In her eyes I never saw red

 

Yes, I’ve said it time and time before

Lord, I know I’m my mother’s child

The seed am I she bore

The wild child who wants to be mild

 

Days like this

What mother could have a child

Who misses her sweet kiss

However so gently and or mild

Maybe I’ll Be Fine


All communication lost

You took away from me

What can I do

To make it stay

To make you play

To make you say

Hello, again?

 

No more clicking

Or ticking

Seems like someone’s picking

On me for no reason

In this season

Of heartache

And heartbreak

 

Can you take a little time

To tell me of my crime

I’m sorry, if I got out of line

Maybe I’ll be fine

If I show you your shrine

Maybe I’ll be fine

If I drink some wine

 

I won’t point out any flaws

Just because

You made so many laws

With all those hidden clauses

And dotted pauses

Where I did sign

Maybe I’ll be fine

 

Maybe I’ll be fine

If you sign

Mine

If you sign mine

If you have the time

Can you sign?

I’m running out of time